It’s taken me a long time to understand this, but I think I finally do. I used to think that a real friend is someone you simply get along with. I used to think that a real friend is someone who is always nice to you.
Now I know better. And now I know that I haven’t been a particularly good friend to a lot of people I’ve loved.
It seems counter-intuitive, but a real friend is actually:
- Someone who may worry that calling you on your bullshit could cause some tension and upset, but does it anyway;
- Someone who expects the same in return.
Everyone else is either a buddy or an acquaintance.
Honesty, trust, and respect are the three key elements of a healthy relationship. And those are only expressed, earned, and learned through the interactions that result from telling someone you care about the unvarnished truth about how you feel about the things they do. To not tell the truth — or to stay silent when you have something to express — means you’re lying to them. That’s both dishonest and disrepectful. It also suggests that you don’t trust that they will receive it in the spirit it’s intended.
Lying in order to avoid conflict feeds the very debilitating problem of co-dependence, where you measure your self-worth based on another person’s happiness. That results in a consistent pattern of lying in order to avoid conflict, because when there is conflict, then your friend/partner may become unhappy and, consequently, your self-worth will suffer for it. So why would you ever tell an upsetting truth? You wouldn’t and you don’t. You think you’re doing a good thing by avoiding conflict — you’re keeping things on an even keel, afterall. Less drama is good, right? Not when there should be drama, no, because if that’s the case, then the bedrock of your relationship is made of dishonesty, distrust, and disrespect. A relationship like that is doomed to eventually collapse.